Costumer’s Dilemma: The Wrong Buttons

by guest columnist Basil White

Your costumer Significant Other might ask you for buttons for a holiday gift or their birthday. Unless they’re going to use the buttons for some non-functional decoration, assume they need specific buttons. You may think “buttons are everywhere. There’s a wall of buttons at those stores that sell fabric, whatever those stores are called, and I have these buttons in my dresser drawer, and…”

Do not give these buttons. These are The Wrong Buttons.

The Wrong Buttons are everywhere. They surround us, and are in all manner of places – shops, homes, work – but the reason they are everywhere is because each button suits a very specific purpose, and unless these buttons are exactly the same, they are not interchangeable. These Are The Wrong Buttons.

You may think the purpose of all buttons is to secure clothing, and so they are all the same. However, the purpose of all examples of something you value might be the same, and you wouldn’t mix tequila and champagne, or the Chicago Bears with the Memphis Grizzlies, would you? Certainly not; that would be silly, like your former attitude about buttons. The grizzly is a form of bear, and this common feature would make them interchangeable, but how would you feel if you needed quarterback Jay Cutler for your NFL fantasy team, and a trader gave you point guard Mike Conley? Because grizzlies are bears, and therefore interchangeable? No, you would think that trader a monster for delivering such a mistake.

That monster is you, because These Are The Wrong Buttons.

Let me retain your attention with alcohol and sports metaphors. A loved one can dismiss one wrong button as a mistake; multiple cards of Wrong Buttons reveals you as an incorrigible psychopath. To increase their effectiveness at making you happy, beer and Timberwolves are grouped into sets of six and five, respectively. So it is with buttons. More is best, but only if they are The Right Buttons. Surely, a gift set of a Grizzlies wall clock, barstool and pilsner glass would express your insight, but what if you gave these to a Bears fan? They would think you thoughtless, and rightly so; Bears fans already have a full measure of suffering.

So when your significant other indicates a specific set of buttons, buy them. Don’t think on your own. It is a losing proposition and will only lead you to gift the Wrong Buttons.

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